Monday, January 14, 2008

still on the rollercoaster

Current work: Med duo
Listening to: Karl Jenkins
Reading: Caro Fraser, A Calculating Heart and Breath of Corruption. I do like her Caper Court series – her hero Leo is completely irresistible. He’s very flawed but completely irresistible: clever, articulate, oozing sensuality. Preferred the first of the two books; she’s changed her publisher and the proofing/editing weren’t quite up to scratch, plus there was a lot more headhopping and ‘name dropping’ than she usually does. Shame. Still enjoyed it, though, and will get the next.

Saturday – was so tired that I couldn’t drag myself out of bed, so settled back against the pillows and finished the Caro Fraser instead. Then had to take the kids into town to sort son’s shoes (the buckle broke so his teacher did a temporary fix with string – must say thanks and also tell him he’d be a perfect M&B hero :o) – and Clark’s were excellent and replaced the shoes without a fuss), buy this month’s birthday cards and run some errands for Dad. Called in to hospital for a while (Madam went all shy – though this was her first inpatient visit so it was probably a bit overwhelming); cooked dinner and then went to see DH’s brother in the evening. (Was nice to see them, but I need to explain to DH about need for sleep and time at the moment!)

Sunday – was a Very Bad Person and took a day off visiting. Justification:
a) my sister was visiting;
b) staying at the hospital for four hours every day (plus travelling time) is a pretty big chunk of my time (in fact, all my prime working time); although I’ve cancelled my guitar lessons and my piano lessons and governor meetings and PRESMA meetings so I can give Dad this time, I still need to keep my life ticking over and pay bills etc on time – especially as this has been going on since Weds 3 Jan and we have no idea yet when he’s going to be allowed home;
c) I’m tired and I needed a break – the hospital environment is noisy and because Dad speaks quietly and I can’t lip-read him, I have to concentrate very hard and it’s really, REALLY wearing for me. (This is why I’m sometimes a bit anti-social and why I don’t like parties/conferences: sustained concentration, and it wears me out. No way will I ever do the RWA conference because it’s too big and way, way, WAY too noisy.)

Dad was a bit upset when I said on Saturday that I was taking a day off visiting, and even though I know I need to recharge my batteries I still feel guilty. I feel even guiltier about the fact that I’m going to cut my visiting hours this week (and he is not going to like it), but another week like last one just isn’t sustainable. I’m too tired to function and I need time for me – and it needs to be the right time of day, too. My stepmum and uncle have given me a pep talk about it and said I have to be firm. Mmm.

Plan for today – meeting with accountant (the final one on my shopping list – I did offer to cancel but my stepmum was very firm about the fact I need to have this meeting and Dad would have to put up with the fact that I’m going to be in later than usual). We may have a meeting with the doctors and social services today to sort out the care package, but they will ring my stepmum with a time, and she’ll ring me so I can tie up things here if need be and get to the hospital on time.

And there’s also something I can’t talk about yet. Let’s just say 2008 so far has been a horrible year, so something good needed to happen. It did, last night. All will be revealed… later this week.


Nell said...

(((Hugs))) Hospital visiting is exhausting and while patients love having company they need the rest as sleep patterns are poor when your ill and in a strange, noisy, bright environment so don't beat yourself up about spending a little less time there. Hopefully he'll soon be well enough to come home.

Diane said...

Carol tried to make a comment today, but Blogger wouldn't let her. So I'm going to try and paste a message into here that she left on mine:

"Can I send thoughts to Kate Hardy through you. Her blog wouldn't accept me to comment. We have had to visit my dad since last July and it will keep on indefinitely. There does come a point when the guilt doesn't go away but common sense takes hold mainly because you have to consider others, children, work etc and yourself! Everyone's help and understanding are a great help."

My thoughts, too. As ever.

Shirley said...

Hospital visit is v. tiring. Yes, you need time to yourself otherwise you'll be no use to your dad whatsoever. I hope he's soon well enough to come home.

Shirley said...

That should have read *visiting*. Tsk.

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. When my husband was in the hospital for so long, I had to take a day or two here and there where I just stayed home for the evening. I couldn't handle going to work, then going to the hospital for lunch, then going back to work, then going BACK to the hospital for the evening. It just wore me out completely.

I'm glad he's doing better, though, and don't feel guilty for taking time for YOU.

Kate Hardy said...

Thanks, Nell.

Diane, please thank Carol (and you too, of course).

Thanks, Shirley.

Melissa - hugs.