on winning the lottery…

Current work: Med duo
Listening to: Del Amitri
Reading: Louise Allen, A Most Unconventional Courtship (sneaked in two chapters last night and it gets better and better)
Steps yesterday: 10,964

No, I haven’t. But Dad was convinced I had, the other day. Pity he can’t remember the numbers with which he thinks I won, just in case it was a premonition. Mind you, then he told me how much – a tad less than 50% of my mortgage. Nowhere near enough – if I win, I want enough to pay off my mortgage and those of my family and closest friends, plus treat certain people to a good holiday and do something nice for the kids’ schools and a couple of causes dear to my heart. And enough for me to be able to be a secret fairy godmother. Oh, I’d LOVE that. Being able to put some sparkle into people’s lives. Then again, that’s what I do for a living: I write happy endings that make people smile and feel good. (Actually, if I didn’t write for a living I’d have to write anyway because that’s who I am: I write.)

Hospital yesterday: Dad was actually up and about on a walking frame for a little while, which is good news. His moods are pretty up and down, and he got upset about something yesterday that isn’t actually an issue (and which really, really upset me and I did a lot of whining on email last night – apologies to those on the receiving end, will be more chipper today). He also gets upset when I leave, and I find that very hard. His brother is visiting this afternoon, so I’m keeping my visit a bit shorter today to give Dad a rest in between. It does make me feel as if I’m neglecting him, even though I know I’m not – if anything, I’m doing more than I should (but that’s Kate Scary for you).

However, before the SDP start leaping up and down, I realise that I need a break, too, so please spare me the lecture. I guess people have their place in a family and it’s set for life, but I’ve noticed that mine is ‘Kate who fixes everything and knows all the answers’ in every single area of my life. I’ve also noticed who gives me support when I need it – and who takes me for granted or doesn’t listen to what I’m saying. So maybe it’s time to start being just a little bit selfish, and learning a little two-letter word that doesn’t appear to be in my vocabulary. It goes against the grain – but then again, support needs to be mutual or someone falls down.

Work: well, I was going to, yesterday. But of course I had phone calls. ‘I just…’ Sigh. (The one from my stepmum isn't included here because I was expecting that and I would've phoned her if she hadn't called me.)

The only downside to writing for a living is that other people don’t consider it a ‘proper’ job (I’ve even been told ‘well, you don’t have a job’ – ha, tell that to the taxman) and believe that if you work from home you can be called at any time because you’re ‘free’. As for the idea of being in your book world when you’re working, and it takes a while to get back into it again after interruptions… nope, you really can’t explain it to the ‘I just…’ people because they think you’re a flake.

Actually, most writers probably are flakes. (That’s why I like the ones I know. They’re such interesting company.)

This afternoon, I should get two hours. Two hours for me. Two hours: that’s ten minutes on the piano and ten minutes on the guitar and one hour forty minutes to write (which, for me, is like breathing. At the moment I’m suffocating and I really, really need to breathe). I sincerely hope that people are going to be kind and let me have those two hours without interruptions. Otherwise I might not be Nice Dutiful Kate. I might be Kate Who Tells Uncomfortable Home Truths And Swears A Lot (Except in Front of the Kids).